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Submitted on
August 1, 2013
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In a little old house on a little old hill,
With the dead black trees and eerie chill,
They say there lived a monstrous wolf pup
That huffed, and puffed, then gobbled kids up.

Three little boys, how brave they were!
No big bad wolf, no horrible cur,
Could ever scare them, no, not today!
With a huff, and a puff, they made their way.

The first little boy, shaking like straws,
The gaping darkness gave him pause;
The boy's knees bent, his courage swayed;
So with a huff, and a puff, he flew away. 

The second little boy wanted his kicks,
Throwing tough words and throwing big sticks,
But thinking he heard a horrid wail,
With a huff, and a puff, he turned his tail.

The third little boy, though things looked grim,
He stilled the quivers of his chinny chin chin;
Feet planted firm as a big brick wall,
With a huff, and a puff, he stood up tall.

And, alas! He found nothing there;
Just an old kitty cat with greying hair.
Seeing there was nothing to be scared about,
With a huff, and a puff, he laughed out loud. 
UPDATE: Revised version here: alphabetsoup314.deviantart.com…

You may still comment on this if you like, but I would prefer it if you read the new one.

-------------------------------------

A response to :iconthewrittenrevolution:'s prompt:
Rework an old fable or fairytale into the modern world. No magic. No deus ex machina.

The fairytale that stood out the most in my childhood memories was The Three Little Pigs. Except that no magic means no talking animals. 

So I worked around the lines that stuck in my memory:
"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"
"Not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin!"
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"


Here, the 'little pigs' are the aggressor rather than the 'wolf', but the end result is the same: the third protagonist is the one that triumphs, through strength of character.

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I dunno if this is required for prompts, but here's a recent critique: comments.deviantart.com/1/3493…

Feedback questions:
:bulletpink: Ugh, I struggle with fixed forms with rhyme and rhythm. Are there any spots where the rhythm gets awkward? (Keep in mind that I usually write haiku, and have only a vague understanding of poetic concepts of rhythm. However, I do understand music, so I can tell you that it's supposed to be a four-count beat on every line)
:bulletpink: Were the connections to the original story apparent, yet fitting? Or too heavy-handed and cliche?  Did I rely on phrases or imagery that vary wildly between different tellings of the tale?
:bulletpink: Feel free to comment on/pick at anything else. 
Add a Comment:
 
:iconstevengilby:
StevenGilby Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Student Writer
I greatly enjoyed reading this. It was a nice fresh take on the story of the three little pigs told with metaphor and a cat lol
It doesn't matter if the rhythm isn't perfect because the poem is a delight to read and should put a smile on anyone's face =D
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you :)
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:iconstevengilby:
StevenGilby Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome =D
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Student Writer
Hi! You've been featured for #theWrittenRevolution's last prompt, in an article you can find hereI am a dummy! And here's your accompanying critique - remember, this is only a critique, and all my suggestions are just that - suggestions. It's completely up to you as the writer to decide what to do with them! Heart

To answer your feedback questions, first of all:

1. I'm terrible with rhythm, but I think it worked well here - as a proper children's nursery rhyme should! I couldn't find any parts that stuck out to me as particularly awkward except perhaps "the first little boy, shaking like straws", but that may happen to be more with the imagery, which I find to be a bit unwieldy as a simile. Though I understand how it relates to the story, and I like it as a connection - which, I realise, is kind of unhelpful. :XD: I would suggest maybe changing up the repetition of "the [number] little boy" so as to give you more room to work with, so to speak (I'm not sure if you're working with a set syllable count here), if you wanted to add a little more variance to it - though, again, given it's a fairy tale-esque poem, you might want to keep the repetition, as it adds to rhythm. I personally feel that varied imagery trumps repetition in terms of effectiveness more times than not, but this is completely your call to make!

As for rhyme, considering that it's a children's nursery rhyme, worked. Usually, for rhyming poetry, I'd suggest the use of slant rhymes (there's a site for that, here), which help a poem marvellously when it comes to sound and subtlety, but I think if you were going for a children's rhyme, the end-rhymes work well here. 

However, if you wanted it to have a broader effect (and either is fine - just different styles), then I would suggest changing a few of the more obvious rhymes, such as today/way, or hill/chill. I'm suggesting this because you get more into slant rhymes at the last two stanzas, with grim/chin - in what are actually my favourite lines of the poem, The third little boy, though things looked grim/He stilled the quivers of his chinny chin chin - they're really fantastic. Also, in the ending, with about/loud, which is a great ending.

2. I liked the connections! Like I said before, the one about the straws was good - I just feel it could do with some work. I enjoyed the mentioning of the sticks and the "big brick wall" you introduced for the third boy, those were excellent. I don't think that they were too heavy-handed - perhaps simple, but in a good way, that made it so that the reader could appreciate them even without knowing the reference. I enjoyed them.

3. I think I've included most of my nitpicks above. This was a lovely, fun read - not to mention, I've got a version of the Big Bad Wolf song stuck in my head, now - thank you! :heart:
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the critique and the feature! It's greatly appreciated :love:

-I was aiming for a poem that sounds like it would go in a children's book, using ballad-like form (I'm not quite sure if this would be considered a proper ballad). Both nursery rhymes and ballads often make heavy use of repetition. That being said, I think I'll play around with 'The Xnd little boy', like you said, just to see if I could improve the flow a bit better. 

-Yes, I find the 'shaking like straws' part a little odd too. I think I originally had 'shaking like a reed', but then I decided to aim for some stronger connection to the original story, and ended up with some awkward imagery, but at that point I was like, "I should submit this before I keep procrastinating on other stuff" :XD: I might rework that verse to find some better compromise. No, I wasn't aiming for a specific syllable count, just a specific 'beat count' (not sure what the proper terminology is), so this one is 

-I never really thought about using slant rhymes that way; for the most part I only use them when I can't think of a different rhyme that works. I remember a only brief mention about slant rhymes in elementary school, so I blame the system :P I think I'll leave the not-so-subtle rhymes alone in this poem, but I'll be sure to remember this tip if I write more rhyming poetry in the future! :D

-I was worried about the connections to the original story being too in-your-face, so I'm glad that you liked them :) 

Glad you enjoyed it! :iconfluttershysmileplz:
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