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us, warm in our quilts;
the earth sleeps also
under snowy blanket
Alternative title: Meanwhile, In Canada...

Feedback:
I don't have as many feedback questions this time around, but my goal was to juxtapose the way humans rest with the way the earth rests in preparation for spring, and to keep a feel of peace and calm. Have I succeeded?
As always, any other feedback is appreciated.
Recent tWR critique: comments.deviantart.com/1/4241…

edits: attempted to make the blanket connection between the two images clearer, and also replaced 'frozen' with 'snowy' (it sounds softer I think)
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:iconmeldickinson:
meldickinson Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2014  Student Writer
i know youre trying to stick to the haiku form, but the word "also" just doesnt seem to fit with the rest of the poem. it kinda distracted me from the beautiful imagery you have going on here. if you change "also" to something else, i think it would help the flow very much so.
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:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014
Hi, Good work here. Hard to do and harder still to explain how hard these are to write. I got the feeling of cover, of earths hibernation and protection, mixed with a romance of sorts, unseen and unknown, but the word us carries weight here.
Nice job.

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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you :D
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the imagery. I think the juxtaposition can be tighter; the 'warm in bed' is covered by sleeping under a blanket, if you can find a way to unify that image.
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the feedback :D

I actually hadn't thought about that, it sounds like it will help bring things together better. Will have to look at it a bit more closely. 
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:D
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:iconandrewpom:
andrewpom Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014  Student Writer
i think the juxtaposition is done pretty well. you convey nature in a succinct way that still provokes thought; the subtle shift in mood is also nice to see. it's exactly how a haiku should be done. the peacefulness comes across nicely too, especially since you use soft-looking lowercase letters with very minimal punctuation. however i don't think "frozen" suit the calmness of the piece - i always think of sharp pointy icicles when i hear that word. i also find the "zuh" sound is sort of sharp. not a major complaint, but perhaps there is a softer adjective.
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for the feedback :D

I was thinking about the 'frozen' too, for the same reasons you mention, but I used anyways for reasons that escape me now. I'll definitely think about it. 
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:icon4loveofluna:
4LOVEofLuna Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014
sweet
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you :)
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:iconxxboneless:
xxBoneless Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Lovesss it.
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you :)
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014   Writer
Ooh, I like this. Particularly "frozen blanket", which kind of encapsulates the whole theme of the piece. I definitely think you succeeded, especially with the feeling of peace and calm. I'm not sure that I got the juxtaposition until you mentioned it, but I think it is there in a subtle way – maybe not something that necessarily can be discerned?
Really nice, anyway, I enjoyed it. :)
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
With haiku, the goal is usually to be subtle - mission accomplished I guess?

Thanks for reading :D
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February 3, 2014
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